Moving Forward

I was reading a little sketch-journal that I started about a year ago and it hit me how much God has moved in my life in the past year. The person who wrote in that book is not the same person that is typing this today. While it is interesting to note that I am still struggling with many of the same insecurities and doubts, God has brought healing into my life that I would have never thought possible last year. Those entries are full of so much hurt and wondering what purpose existed in my life, it is such a blessing to be able to look back on them now and see how faithful God is and how much His love has transformed my life. It is so exciting to be able to say that I am a different person and that it is only through the grace of God that I am able to say that with confidence. His presence in my life has never been more evident than in the past twelve months and I guess that it is just now hitting me what that really means and why it is so important. I am at an age where the decisions I'm making will have a lasting impact on my future, and it is such a comforting thought to realize that whatever I do will be with God's will in mind and in accordance with His plan for my life. For the first time in my life I am completely content to have no control over whatever He has for my future. While there are definitely times when I doubt my ability to discern that plan, I always know that it is there and that He will be guiding me every step of the way, no matter what.

Praise God for His influence and transforming love!

A New Normal

I Peter 1:3-4 "All honor to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, for it is by his boundless mercy that God has given us the privilege of being born again. Now we live with a wonderful expectation because Jesus Christ rose again from the dead. For God has reserved a priceless inheritance for his children. It is kept in heaven for you, beyond the reach of change and decay." (NLT)

This passage was the basis for the message today at church, and it was focused on the concept of there being a 'new normal' as a result of the resurrection. Easter this year has been more powerful than I think it has ever been before and I was struck by how emotional I was, especially during worship. We were singing about the marvelous light that we have in Christ, and I was fighting back tears as I realized how true those lyrics are. God has provided this incredible luminescence in my life that goes beyond anything that I could ever hope for. He has taken the pain in my life and used it as a opportunity to demonstrate His power to heal and comfort. There are things that will always stay with me and will bring back certain memories, but I am beginning to see how God has enabled me to let go of the hurt and anger associated with those memories and truly give my life to Him. My life is so full and such a blessing and God is showing me more every day how much He cares for me and wants me to be with Him for all of eternity. It is so easy to allow ourselves to feel guilt and shame for things that we have done and mistakes we've made, but when Christ reversed the hold of death on our lives, all the sins that I have committed in the past and will commit in the future were covered with His blood and I am now free to live in the peace that His grace enables me to embrace. Of course there are times when those nagging feelings of shame and guilt creep back in and try to take away the joy that Christ has for me, but I am learning that those feelings are not of God and are not for me to carry with me. I think that for one of the first times in my life I feel genuinely free, the kind of freedom that my Lord died to give me. Wow, I am so unworthy and yet He loved me enough to die for me! What an incredible blessing...

Christ is risen, He has conquered death, He has conquered sin, and He has my heart and soul.

For all eternity, I am His completely.

Reaching the Finish Line

Ok...six and a half weeks later, the Daniel Fast is almost over! I honestly cannot believe that its been this long and that I've actually made it!!! God has been so faithful in His provisions throughout this fast, I have been so blessed by what I have received from Him throughout. It will probably take me a while to really come to any sort of conclusion as to what I am taking out of this time, but I know that God has been doing some amazing work in my life and as soon as I can put in into words, I will certainly let you know. While the food has definitely been a big part of this experience, I don't think that it has been the biggest thing that I will remember. One of the things that I do know for certain is that God's love and grace have never been more real. While I have always known that it is there and that it is a part of my life, I also know that I've never really felt it in this way before. The impact that words have had on me in the past month and a half is astounding, and something that I would have never imagined before embarking on this journey with my God. When I spend time in worship, I am struck by what these songs are actually saying and how their meaning translates into my life. I know that I'm not really describing this very well, but I hope that one day I will be able to express this in a way that seems satisfactory in relation to what I am feeling about what has happened during this fast. Praise God for all He is and all He has done!!!

To be content.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about dreams and their place in my life. As you can see, I have lots of dreams and lots of things that I want to do in life. There are times when I doubt whether or not I will really ever be able to fulfill all those dreams or do all those things that exist somewhere deep in my soul, trying to push their way out. Sometimes I find myself thinking about things that seem so far in the future, to even try to picture them is fruitless. Then there are times when I stop and realize how old I am and how the time is approaching when it isn't really that far of a stretch to imagine my life as a real "adult."

I will be the first to admit, the realization that my parents were my age when they were engaged/got married is terrifying, especially considering the fact that I have never been in a relationship, ever. While that little tidbit used to upset me to no end, it doesn't so much anymore, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about it and dream about what my life will be like once that man God has for me comes into my life. But the amazing thing is that as I have gotten older, my intense impatience for that moment in time has waned and I am content to wait as long as God has it in His plan to wait. My reasoning for this sense of peace is that God's plan is always so much better than mine and He has not given me this particular dream for no reason. If I wait on the Lord, He will be with me at every step of the way and help me in that waiting. It has been such a rewarding experience for me to be able to put my dreams in the only hands that I can be assured will keep them safe.

Because in the end, that is the one thing I know for certain, I am in the hands of my Heavenly Father, and He loves me more than anyone on this earth ever could.

Fours years later...

Four years ago today one of my dearest friends passed away. I can't believe that its been that long. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and sometimes it feels like a different lifetime. My life has changed so much since then, that its hard to really remember what it was like before I lost her. Many parts of who I am have been shaped by her death, and I think that it is something that will always be with me. I have tried to explain to some people what its like to lose someone in the way I lost this friend, but I don't think that the appropriate words have ever proceeded from my lips. Unfortunately enough, I have come to the conclusion that unless you have experienced this kind of loss, explanation really doesn't do it justice.

She was so young and so full of life, and I will always remember her as one of the funniest people I have ever met. She could always make me laugh with one of her silly jokes and I will forever love her for listening in any situation and encouraging me in one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. I will never forget my first day at Uni. I had come from taking finals at my previous school and it was lunch time. I walked through the archway and onto the quad and was immediately overwhelmed by all the new people and began to question whether or not I should have been there. Then, before I really knew what was happening, I was almost knocked over by this blur that ran up and gave me one of the best hugs I have ever received. It was my dear friend. She welcomed me into this new environment with open arms and I was immediately taken and introduced to her friends (who became my friends) and felt more welcome than I ever thought possible.

Since her passing, I have struggled with wanting to know why and desperately wishing that I could have talked to her. There were times when I would dream that it wasn't real and I would be at school and there she was, telling everyone that she had just been on vacation...then I would wake up and realize that it was all too real.

One thing that I have realized in the past four years is that my Lord is the greatest comfort anyone could ever ask for. While there are still times and probably always will be times when I feel sad and miss her terribly, the healing that the Lord has brought to my heart is something that I will forever cherish. His love is boundless and I know that now in a way that I never hoped for in the past.

Malini is gone, but her impact on my life will always be there. She is missed but I know that she is with a God who adores her and who died to save her.

I miss you my dear friend...

Doomed to Repeat

Today we went to visit the Holocaust museum and I was struck by the vastness of it and how broad its scope was. Lives all over the world were touched by it and were forever changed by a kind of devastation the world had never seen before. As someone who has always been fascinated by history, it is such a wake up call to me when I go to a museum like that and read about the millions of people who were senselessly killed based solely on their heritage. At times I am still overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of the Holocaust and how far-reaching it really was. Things like that make it so clear how blessed I am to live where I live and to have been born into a generation that can look back and hopefully learn from these things and make a world that is free from the horrors of that time.
I think that the thing that saddens me the most is that people all over the world are still being senselessly killed without any thought of their humanity or value. It is so easy for me to sit here in a nice, warm apartment and rant about how I think the world should be, but at the same time, I know that a lot of what is happening around the world right now is not of God and serves as a reminder at how far away the world is from Him. God's love is enduring and will never fade, and I can only imagine how much His heart breaks for all of the innocent lives that are being lost in Darfur and in the DRC and anywhere else in the world where people are being killed and oppressed. It is hard for me to try to truly empathize with those who are subjected to these situations, because I have never been in a situation that comes remotely close to that. But I do have Christ in my life, and as one of His followers, my heart goes out to all of His children who are hurting. I want them to know His love and see His light that shines on, even in times of great darkness. When I have children of my own, I want them to always know that we are called to love all people, regardless of the circumstance. Granted, I don't always live up to that calling, but I do know that it is not something that comes with conditions or requirements. We do not deserve to be loved by the Father, and yet we are. Because of the grace that He has bestowed upon us, we must love others. Faults and flaws are not things that we are in the position to judge. I am a sinner and therefore I am just as flawed as everyone else on this earth. That commonality among all people levels the playing field so to speak, and requires that we show the love of God to ALL people, not just the ones we want to.

Life is so fragile and so precious, a constant reminder of God's greatness in its complexity, and it should be cherished.

Please remember that as you walk through your days...the Lord loves you more than you will ever know!!! (a reminder for you as well as myself...)

Dreams...

Today I was reading another blog written by my pastor and he was writing out a list of his 100 life goals and it got me thinking. Are there things that I want to do in life, or am I content to move along and go where ever the Lord might lead me?
I know that there are some things that I have always dreamt of doing, at the same time I am scared to hold on too tightly to dreams for fear that the Lord will come along and tell me that I have to find new ones. Of course that seems a bit paranoid and petty, but I do know that I want my life to be an alter to the God I serve, not to myself. Life is such an adventure and I would love to have dreams that are from Him, not from my selfish desires. There have been so many times when things seem to be one way when in actuality they are quite the opposite. My desire is to have a life that is full of meaningful dreams that are of the Lord and that serve to glorify Him.
So after all that, I guess I'll write down some of the wishes that have stayed with me for quite some time...(quite a few are probably very status quo, but I want to write them anyway!)
Here we go: (In no particular order)

1.Find the man that God has for me
2.Fall in love with said man
3.Marry said man
4.Go to an amazing grad school and get my masters in geography
5.Graduate from grad school
6.Find a job I love
7.Serve the Lord through that job
8.Have a family
9.Raise my children to love the Lord
10.Make an impact for Christ
11.See the beaches of Normandy
12.Go through the entire Louvre
13.Go to Rome, Venice, Tuscany, and Florence
14.Raise puppies who have been abandoned
15.Continue to expand my music collection
16.Teach someone something valuable
17.Read all the past Nobel Prize winners
18.See all the movies that have ever won Best Picture
19.Read the entire Bible once a year
20.Stay in touch with my friends once I leave school
21.Become an expert on something
22.Learn how to ski/snowboard
23.Go scuba diving
24.Read all of C.S. Lewis's books
25.Spend time in Africa
26.Take a trip to Asia
27.Go to the Oscars once
28.Have the kind of relationship with my kids that I have with my mom
29.Write a history book
30.Figure out where I come from (genealogically speaking)
31.Treat my body well
32.Serve the Lord in EVERY aspect of my life

I think that's all for now...If more come up I will most certainly let you know :)

God is GOOD!!!

Ok, so I am completely in awe at how amazing God is when you put things in His hands and trust that He will provide. This week I have been working as a part of a missions team to raise money for a school in Darfur and tonight we had an amazing night. Things are coming together in some incredible ways and I feel SO blessed to be a part of this team. I will be the first to admit that at first I was somewhat skeptical, but as time as moved forward, I am seeing more and more what an amazing God I serve. Wow...I think that right now I am so excited about all the things that are going on that words are escaping me...YAY!!!!!!!!! There...that was the best I could come up with! I hope that this is not completely boring and pointless, but I feel that there are some things the world should know...I suppose that as time goes on and I write more of these things, they won't be son scatter brained and out there, but for now this is all I've got. Honestly I wish that I had more interesting things to say, but i guess that my life is really just that boring. Although, the past few days have been pretty darn exciting...I can't believe things are really coming together, just more evidence of how fallible I am and how incredibly mighty God is despite my misgivings. He will never be put in a box, and I will continue to see His awesome power and strength as I lean on Him more and more!

And so it begins...

So...where do I begin??? I guess I wanted to start this blog in the hope that I might be able to share with the world the inner workings of my mind. While this may seem to be a rather frivolous reason to start a blog, I find it fascinating so there you go. The fact is, life is so full of amazing stories and events that it would be an absolute shame to let those things pass us by without taking the time to notice them and share them with the people we share this planet with. The Lord has blessed me with such a full and beautiful life, and I want to make sure that He is glorified in everything I do. That means stopping to really see things and not just glance at them in passing and proceed to file them away in the depths of thought and forever forget the beauty or sadness or greatness that I have been privy to. So that is why this blog is in existence...if by some miracle I think of something more specific to include I will be sharing it but until then, this will just be random thoughts of someone who is journeying to find herself in the midst of an ever changing world, but who takes great hope in the fact that she is never alone, she has her Savior to guide her!