A poem...

This is a poem that someone gave me that in a lot of ways describes my life in the past five years so I thought I'd share it:

"Autobiography in Five Short Chapters"
By Portia Nelson
I.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V.
I walk down another street

Growing...

I'm sitting in my room and it just hit me that the semester is pretty much over. I mean, I still three tests and a short paper, but it feels like school is already done (which might be bad for the studying, let's hope not!). It's strange to realize that my first semester in Denver is already over, it seems like I just moved here. But its been almost four months and I'm closer than I ever thought I would be to graduating at this point.
At the end of every semester, I tend to lapse into a very reflective mood and start analyzing the term that is ending and thinking about what might be coming in the next one. This semester especially, I've been thinking a lot about who I'm becoming in Denver and how my life has changed since I got here. Honestly, I have very mixed feelings about my time here thus far. While there have been some things that have been wonderful and fulfilling, there have been others that weren't so wonderful. I know that the Lord has been using this time to work in my life and show me different things about myself, but sometimes I feel like I've missed the point.
Have you ever had a moment when you look back at a situation or a time and realize that you completely missed what God was showing you because you were too absorbed in other things? Well, I hope that I haven't completely missed what He's been showing me, actually I know I haven't missed everything, but I do think that I have missed opportunities to grow and break out of my shell. I don't want to look back at this past semester and regret things that I did or didn't do, because I know that the Lord loves me, failures and all, and that this is a forward moving process. Living in the past is not helpful, which is something that I've definitely been learning lately.
I want to take the past four months and grow from my experiences during that time. My hope for the break coming up, which is much longer that I've ever had before, is that the Lord will show me what He wants for me in this city. After this semester, I know for certain things that don't work, and I really want to the woman God created me to be. I am here for a reason and the way its looking now I have less than a year left in Denver, and I want to make the most of it!

To Write Love on Her Arms...

Tomorrow, November 22, 2008, is the 10th annual National Survivors of Suicide Day. My experience as a person who has lost someone to suicide is not something I normally talk about openly but recently its been on my mind and that is mostly because of To Write Love on Her Arms. I'd seen the shirts all over the place and always assumed it was a band or song lyrics or something, but last month I decided to look it up after seeing another shirt and I stumbled onto something that I wish I had known about so much sooner. The work that To Write Love on Her Arms is doing has given me a new sort of hope. It reminded me that my generation is not without empathy and that there are people in the world who want to help and who want to love those who are hurting. I am horrible at trying to explain what TWLOHA is, so I'm just going to let the mission statement speak for itself:

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

As I read this and the story of the young woman who started it all, I became more and more emotional because it made me think of my friend. I've written about her before, but I was afraid to talk about the circumstances surrounding the greatest loss I have ever felt. But in the past few weeks, the Lord has been moving in my heart and I think that some of the wounds that I thought would never go away are slowly being healed. I think that there has always been a small part of me that has wanted to make sure that no one was ever in the place my friend was in, where all hope seems lost and there is only one way out.

But for almost 5 years now, I've been wrapping myself in the pain of her death and allowed all of that pain to take over the part of me that will always be connected to my friend. I think that in a way, it was me trying to keep her with me, if I was constantly focused on the loss and the tragedy, then I could be sure that I'd never forget her. But lately something has changed. I now know that there is no way that I will ever be able to forget her. And its not just because of how she died. More and more I am remembering her life and the impact she had on mine before she passed away. There is so much more to her story than her death, and it has been such a blessing to be moving into this place where her life is what I can focus on. Of course her death will not ever be forgotten, and it is because of her dying that I want to help others in similar situations, but her life has to be remembered as well.

My prayer is that God can use me and my experiences to reach out and remind someone of how much he or she is loved and that hope is never gone. I guess the 'point' of all this, if there is one, is that I want to remember my friend by helping someone who might be in a hole that seems impossible to climb out of. I want to make sure that the light she was in my life can be seen in others lives as well. The Lord has been so faithful in my life in the past five years, bringing comfort and healing and I want to serve Him by loving people who seem to need it the most, who might have forgotten what it's like to have the love of the Father in their lives.

Glad to be Here

Its been quite a while since I've written, and I really don't have any good reasons why I haven't, but lately things have been taking a decidedly encouraging turn, so I thought I'd end the silence and write a little.
So Denver has been pretty quiet. You'd think that I would be super busy all the time like most of my peers seem to be, but surprisingly I've had it pretty easy in terms of schedule this semester. School has been a very pleasant surprise in that I've been enjoying it for the first time in a long time. Oddly enough, my favorite class is not my geography class, but my psychology class. Its just an intro class, but its been so interesting to learn about the brain and how it works and our latest unit was on sleep and memory which I found very interesting because I no longer feel bad about having to get more sleep than some might think is 'normal'. Needing 9-10 hours a night is perfectly fine, that's just how I'm wired, so there! Anyway, for the most part I enjoy my classes, but I am definitely looking forward to next semester because hopefully I'll be taking 5 geography classes, which means that I'll be getting into the meaty part of my major, so that's definitely a plus! Also, I found out that its possible for me to graduate next December!!! While I'm really excited to be done earlier than expected, its also scary because that means that I'm going to have to figure out what to do earlier than expected... So we'll see how the next year or so pans out. The one thing I do know is that the Lord is in charge, and I will go wherever He leads.
Let's see, things here really aren't that exciting...but I can say the God has been doing some amazing work on my heart and healing a lot of hurt that has been there for a long time. It is such a blessing to have this opportunity to completely rely on Him in a way that I've resisted before, but now its really my saving grace. I honestly don't know what I'd do without the knowledge that I have a Savior who loves me and who is constantly wrapping His arms around me, and that He is walking beside me holding my hand every step of the way!

Life at 5280ft

So I'm sitting on campus, supposedly doing some actual school work right now, but I can't seem to motivate myself to start typing about my comm class, so instead I'm going to muse on my first few weeks in Denver. First of all, I love this city and I am incredibly blessed to live here. It is unlike anywhere I've ever lived before. By that I don't mean that its completely foreign, but there's something about being here that is so different and exhilarating, its kind of hard to put into words. My classes are all great, there are a few that aren't quite as exciting as others, but they are all interesting in their own way, so that is quite refreshing and a very pleasant surprise! With the convention last week, we had no school, and it kind of threw me off of the routine I was getting into, so now trying to get back into it is a challenge, especially because I'm leaving again the day after tomorrow... I think I'm kind of resigned to the fact that its not going to happen until after I get back from DC and have a chance to really dig in and get a schedule going. Oh! One thing that I have to say is that people here are so kind and friendly! Obviously not everyone is nice all the time, but the people I've met have been so nice and helpful, it is so refreshing! I'm starting to get involved with Campus Crusade, which is an enormous blessing, because my biggest worry coming here was that I would have trouble finding Christians to plug in with, but God is providing an awesome community for me to get into! But I'm also really enjoying getting to know my roommates and spend more time with them. The first couple weeks here, I was spending a lot of time alone in my room, but now that I'm more settled, it has been a lot of fun to get out of my room and enjoy being with my roomies...who are hilarious! The job search is still ongoing, but hopefully when I get back next week that will work itself out as well :) My time here so far has been a process of adapting to a new place and seeing how faithful God is when we follow where He leads and take that leap of faith. His provisions in all of this have been incredible and are an ever present reminder of how blessed I am and how incredible my Lord is!!!

And so it begins...again

In the two or so months since I last wrote, my life has changed more dramatically than I could have ever imagined possible. Going into last summer, I had no idea that things would be so completely transformed. I am going to try to go through the entire process, for posterity's sake, but we'll see how far I get without going off on some random tangent that has absolutely nothing to do with what happened. So without further ado...here follows an account of the craziest summer of my life!

Let me start by saying that as I type this, I am sitting in my new room in my new apartment looking out the window at the beautiful lights of downtown Denver, Colorado. During the day the majestic Rocky mountains are in the distance, but alas, they disappear with the last rays of the sun in the West. What am I doing living in Denver? Well this is when I have to go all the way back to last fall (which REALLY feels like a different lifetime, for too many reasons to count). Last year I had the opportunity to take a little class called Human Geography. I knew a couple people who had taken it and loved it, so I decided that it would be worth a shot. Maps have always held an unusual level of fascination for me, and while I had no idea that it was much more than just maps, I did know that they would be involved, so I registered for the class. Boy am I glad I did! Before I took Human Geography with Professor Gallaher, I had no idea that being in school could be so inspiring and exciting. I mean I've always enjoyed school to a certain extent, but never like this. Every day I was in class early sitting literally front and center, ready to take copious amounts of notes trying to absorb as much information as possible. Not only did I thoroughly enjoy how the class was taught, but the material was opening my eyes to things I never imagined about the world we live in. On the surface, I knew about the issues we were discussing, but I had no clue about things like state-led gentrification or push and pull factors and why the continent of Africa as it is is so prone to conflict. We were learning about all these broad themes, but the case studies put them into perspective and I was becoming more and more drawn to the world of geography. About half way through the semester, I knew that I had to get more geography somehow, but I was truly disappointed that I was in the only geography class at the school. So I started looking into taking classes at other institutions, and studying geography abroad, or even just waiting until grad school to focus on this subject that had captured my heart, so to speak.

I skipped over some of the minor details, but that pretty much brings us up to this past summer. That is when I got to go on an amazing trip to Australia. When I left I knew that I would be spending some time with people who have blessed my life in such astounding ways, but I could have never imagined that by the time I came home I would be looking into transferring to pursue this passion for geography. But so much for what I thought! While I was in Sydney, I did indeed get to spend time with two of my dearest friends and get to know another, but I also had the chance to really be still and listen to what the Lord wanted me to hear and see what He had in store for me. I knew that this interest in geography had a very specific purpose and that the Lord put these desires in my heart for a reason. I just had to be still enough to hear His voice leading. During the course of the trip, I decided to start researching schools to possibly transfer to in the spring, and after looking around I decided to look further into the University of Washington, and UC Boulder and Denver. (wow...this is much longer than I thought it would be...but I shall continue, so what if no one but me ever reads it!) Well, after a visit to UW, the door to me transferring there was pretty much shut and I came home kind of discouraged.

But I was talking with my mom, and she reminded me that the Lord would open the right doors to have me where He wanted me and I decided to press on and keep looking at schools for the spring. Then, for some reason I was looking at the deadlines again, and I saw that the application for UCD wasn't due for another three weeks. At that moment, a pro/con list started forming itself in my mind. On the one hand, it was a chance to start studying geography right away in a place that I would love to live. On the other hand was the fact that I would be transferring right away, which would mean that I wouldn't have the chance to say good-bye to my friends in DC, not to mention the fact that I would be leaving a group of friends I never thought I would have. They have been such a huge part of my life the last two years, and selfishly I didn't want to leave and have to start the process all over again. For a moment I thought about not telling my parents about the deadline and just going forward with trying to transfer in the spring. But there was a nagging feeling (I'm thinking it might have something to do with God's plan as opposed to mine...) that I should go talk to my parents, so when they got home from dinner that night, I went in to talk to them. Let me say here that my parents are amazing! They have been wonderful through all of this, and their encouragement through everything has been invaluable. Anyway, when I talked to them, they both thought that I should apply and just see what happened after that.

Well, the rest, as they say, is how I wound up sitting here in Denver. I was accepted at UCD and in the shortest/longest month of my life, I withdrew from one school, enrolled in another, moved from one city to another, and now I've started school! There have been times of sadness, especially in saying goodbye. In the middle of all of this I was blessed to go on a trip to Austin and I had an amazing time resting and refueling (yay Doolittle clan!). But when it came time to say goodbye, it hit me that all of this was really happening. While I was still really excited to come here, I was really sad to be leaving... Thankfully, the Lord is with me always, and His comfort and love have brought me to where I am right now. His work in my life and in the lives of the people I love leaves me at a loss for words. It goes beyond all comprehension and the awe that I feel when I look out the window and see the mountains is a constant reminder of how full of grace and power my Abba Father is and how He loves me so much that He would make a way for me through all the ups and downs.

So that wraps it up I suppose! :) If you made it through this whole thing and read it all, you should definitely get a prize! (I can't really give you one, congratulations!!!)

To all of my wonderful friends in DC: I love you and I thank God for bringing each and every one of you into my life. I pray that He will continue to guide you and you will continue to seek Him in each step you take.

ps. I stumbled across this...and thought I'd share it with you all, whoever you might be :)

I Chronicles 28:9

"And you, Solomon my son, know the God of your father and serve him with a whole heart and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will cast you off forever."

To be or not to be...a grown up

"...we never lay hold of our nothingness before God, and consequently, we never enter into the deepest reality of our relationship with Him. But when we accept ownership of our powerlessness and helplessness, when we acknowledge that we are paupers at the door of God's mercy, then God can make something beautiful out of us." - Brennan Manning

Recently I have been reading an amazing book called "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning...the quote is from that book. While I haven't finished it yet, what I have read is an amazing exploration of grace and what it really means to accept God's grace in our lives and live completely consumed by it. I feel like in the weeks since the school year ended, God has been reminding me of how much love He has for me and just how small I really am. One of my greatest desires is to be completely humble at the throne of the King and to have Him use me to do His will. It is so easy to say something like that, and I guess the challenge that I'm being faced with is really living my life for my God and truly allowing His grace and redeeming love to surround me and carry me.

Its strange really, for the first time ever I really feel like I'm becoming a grown up, whatever that means. I guess its because I've been seeing how the Lord has been moving in my life and how I am maturing in my relationship with Him and beginning to see glimpses of what He might have for my future. Overall, I still have absolutely no idea what I'm going to be doing in the future, but I have been able to recognize for the first time in very specific ways how God is preparing me for something. I don't really know what that something is, but I do know that it is something great. He has put different people in my life and placed me in situations that are specifically preparing me for what is to come, and it has been so exciting to reflect on last year and see how purposeful everything was. All the joys and all the heartaches, it is all working to teach me more about just how powerful God is and just how much He longs for us to lean on Him in every situation so that we might see just how great He is and how much He loves us. I really am nothing and I have no ability to heal, but my Savior has all the power and really is mighty to save and to redeem even the bleakest of situations.

My prayer for the rest of this summer is that God would continue to lead me in the way He has for me...I know that there are things that will challenge me to the core to step out and take a leap of faith, and that God just wants me to follow Him with all my heart and give even the minute details of my live to Him in faith so that He can take me where He wants me. God is good and His grace is abundant!

Praise the Lord for He is faithful and just and He loves us despite knowing who we are

Friends

In the past few weeks, I have become aware of how significant the friendships I am making now are in my life and will be in the future. Growing up I had a lot of trouble relating to my peers and developing relationships in which I felt open to be myself and did not have to fear judgment or condemnation for my flaws. But God has been doing an amazing work in my life and has brought people into my life who are becoming the type of friends I have always dreamt of but never thought possible. It is such huge blessing to be with people who make me laugh constantly and who also want to see my growing in my walk with God and genuinely care about what is going on in my life.
I have so much enjoyed being on the other side of that as well. It is such a comfort to know that other people are struggling with some of the same things that I struggle with and I love being able just to be someone to listen, if nothing else. There are many times when I feel very inadequate and unable to provide any real guidance, but I am always able to listen, which is something I have learned to cherish in recent years.
These friendships have become an integral part of how I live my life and what it looks like. The tendency on my part is often to try to get through things on my own with no support. I like to think that I can do it all on my own, but that could not be further from the truth. The people that God has blessed my life with are here for a reason. As the body of Christ, we are meant to support each other and build each other up, and I have been seeing this in practice in a very evident way for the first time, and I could not be more thrilled and humbled by these amazing friends!
I tend to forget what an asset they are to my life, and my prayer is that I will be constantly reminded of how much value they add to my life and what God is doing through them in my life and in the lives of others.

To my dear friends: I love you and thank God for bringing you into my life! I pray that our Lord will continue to make Himself known in all of our lives as we continue this journey together...

Moving Forward

I was reading a little sketch-journal that I started about a year ago and it hit me how much God has moved in my life in the past year. The person who wrote in that book is not the same person that is typing this today. While it is interesting to note that I am still struggling with many of the same insecurities and doubts, God has brought healing into my life that I would have never thought possible last year. Those entries are full of so much hurt and wondering what purpose existed in my life, it is such a blessing to be able to look back on them now and see how faithful God is and how much His love has transformed my life. It is so exciting to be able to say that I am a different person and that it is only through the grace of God that I am able to say that with confidence. His presence in my life has never been more evident than in the past twelve months and I guess that it is just now hitting me what that really means and why it is so important. I am at an age where the decisions I'm making will have a lasting impact on my future, and it is such a comforting thought to realize that whatever I do will be with God's will in mind and in accordance with His plan for my life. For the first time in my life I am completely content to have no control over whatever He has for my future. While there are definitely times when I doubt my ability to discern that plan, I always know that it is there and that He will be guiding me every step of the way, no matter what.

Praise God for His influence and transforming love!

A New Normal

I Peter 1:3-4 "All honor to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, for it is by his boundless mercy that God has given us the privilege of being born again. Now we live with a wonderful expectation because Jesus Christ rose again from the dead. For God has reserved a priceless inheritance for his children. It is kept in heaven for you, beyond the reach of change and decay." (NLT)

This passage was the basis for the message today at church, and it was focused on the concept of there being a 'new normal' as a result of the resurrection. Easter this year has been more powerful than I think it has ever been before and I was struck by how emotional I was, especially during worship. We were singing about the marvelous light that we have in Christ, and I was fighting back tears as I realized how true those lyrics are. God has provided this incredible luminescence in my life that goes beyond anything that I could ever hope for. He has taken the pain in my life and used it as a opportunity to demonstrate His power to heal and comfort. There are things that will always stay with me and will bring back certain memories, but I am beginning to see how God has enabled me to let go of the hurt and anger associated with those memories and truly give my life to Him. My life is so full and such a blessing and God is showing me more every day how much He cares for me and wants me to be with Him for all of eternity. It is so easy to allow ourselves to feel guilt and shame for things that we have done and mistakes we've made, but when Christ reversed the hold of death on our lives, all the sins that I have committed in the past and will commit in the future were covered with His blood and I am now free to live in the peace that His grace enables me to embrace. Of course there are times when those nagging feelings of shame and guilt creep back in and try to take away the joy that Christ has for me, but I am learning that those feelings are not of God and are not for me to carry with me. I think that for one of the first times in my life I feel genuinely free, the kind of freedom that my Lord died to give me. Wow, I am so unworthy and yet He loved me enough to die for me! What an incredible blessing...

Christ is risen, He has conquered death, He has conquered sin, and He has my heart and soul.

For all eternity, I am His completely.

Reaching the Finish Line

Ok...six and a half weeks later, the Daniel Fast is almost over! I honestly cannot believe that its been this long and that I've actually made it!!! God has been so faithful in His provisions throughout this fast, I have been so blessed by what I have received from Him throughout. It will probably take me a while to really come to any sort of conclusion as to what I am taking out of this time, but I know that God has been doing some amazing work in my life and as soon as I can put in into words, I will certainly let you know. While the food has definitely been a big part of this experience, I don't think that it has been the biggest thing that I will remember. One of the things that I do know for certain is that God's love and grace have never been more real. While I have always known that it is there and that it is a part of my life, I also know that I've never really felt it in this way before. The impact that words have had on me in the past month and a half is astounding, and something that I would have never imagined before embarking on this journey with my God. When I spend time in worship, I am struck by what these songs are actually saying and how their meaning translates into my life. I know that I'm not really describing this very well, but I hope that one day I will be able to express this in a way that seems satisfactory in relation to what I am feeling about what has happened during this fast. Praise God for all He is and all He has done!!!

To be content.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about dreams and their place in my life. As you can see, I have lots of dreams and lots of things that I want to do in life. There are times when I doubt whether or not I will really ever be able to fulfill all those dreams or do all those things that exist somewhere deep in my soul, trying to push their way out. Sometimes I find myself thinking about things that seem so far in the future, to even try to picture them is fruitless. Then there are times when I stop and realize how old I am and how the time is approaching when it isn't really that far of a stretch to imagine my life as a real "adult."

I will be the first to admit, the realization that my parents were my age when they were engaged/got married is terrifying, especially considering the fact that I have never been in a relationship, ever. While that little tidbit used to upset me to no end, it doesn't so much anymore, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about it and dream about what my life will be like once that man God has for me comes into my life. But the amazing thing is that as I have gotten older, my intense impatience for that moment in time has waned and I am content to wait as long as God has it in His plan to wait. My reasoning for this sense of peace is that God's plan is always so much better than mine and He has not given me this particular dream for no reason. If I wait on the Lord, He will be with me at every step of the way and help me in that waiting. It has been such a rewarding experience for me to be able to put my dreams in the only hands that I can be assured will keep them safe.

Because in the end, that is the one thing I know for certain, I am in the hands of my Heavenly Father, and He loves me more than anyone on this earth ever could.

Fours years later...

Four years ago today one of my dearest friends passed away. I can't believe that its been that long. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and sometimes it feels like a different lifetime. My life has changed so much since then, that its hard to really remember what it was like before I lost her. Many parts of who I am have been shaped by her death, and I think that it is something that will always be with me. I have tried to explain to some people what its like to lose someone in the way I lost this friend, but I don't think that the appropriate words have ever proceeded from my lips. Unfortunately enough, I have come to the conclusion that unless you have experienced this kind of loss, explanation really doesn't do it justice.

She was so young and so full of life, and I will always remember her as one of the funniest people I have ever met. She could always make me laugh with one of her silly jokes and I will forever love her for listening in any situation and encouraging me in one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. I will never forget my first day at Uni. I had come from taking finals at my previous school and it was lunch time. I walked through the archway and onto the quad and was immediately overwhelmed by all the new people and began to question whether or not I should have been there. Then, before I really knew what was happening, I was almost knocked over by this blur that ran up and gave me one of the best hugs I have ever received. It was my dear friend. She welcomed me into this new environment with open arms and I was immediately taken and introduced to her friends (who became my friends) and felt more welcome than I ever thought possible.

Since her passing, I have struggled with wanting to know why and desperately wishing that I could have talked to her. There were times when I would dream that it wasn't real and I would be at school and there she was, telling everyone that she had just been on vacation...then I would wake up and realize that it was all too real.

One thing that I have realized in the past four years is that my Lord is the greatest comfort anyone could ever ask for. While there are still times and probably always will be times when I feel sad and miss her terribly, the healing that the Lord has brought to my heart is something that I will forever cherish. His love is boundless and I know that now in a way that I never hoped for in the past.

Malini is gone, but her impact on my life will always be there. She is missed but I know that she is with a God who adores her and who died to save her.

I miss you my dear friend...

Doomed to Repeat

Today we went to visit the Holocaust museum and I was struck by the vastness of it and how broad its scope was. Lives all over the world were touched by it and were forever changed by a kind of devastation the world had never seen before. As someone who has always been fascinated by history, it is such a wake up call to me when I go to a museum like that and read about the millions of people who were senselessly killed based solely on their heritage. At times I am still overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of the Holocaust and how far-reaching it really was. Things like that make it so clear how blessed I am to live where I live and to have been born into a generation that can look back and hopefully learn from these things and make a world that is free from the horrors of that time.
I think that the thing that saddens me the most is that people all over the world are still being senselessly killed without any thought of their humanity or value. It is so easy for me to sit here in a nice, warm apartment and rant about how I think the world should be, but at the same time, I know that a lot of what is happening around the world right now is not of God and serves as a reminder at how far away the world is from Him. God's love is enduring and will never fade, and I can only imagine how much His heart breaks for all of the innocent lives that are being lost in Darfur and in the DRC and anywhere else in the world where people are being killed and oppressed. It is hard for me to try to truly empathize with those who are subjected to these situations, because I have never been in a situation that comes remotely close to that. But I do have Christ in my life, and as one of His followers, my heart goes out to all of His children who are hurting. I want them to know His love and see His light that shines on, even in times of great darkness. When I have children of my own, I want them to always know that we are called to love all people, regardless of the circumstance. Granted, I don't always live up to that calling, but I do know that it is not something that comes with conditions or requirements. We do not deserve to be loved by the Father, and yet we are. Because of the grace that He has bestowed upon us, we must love others. Faults and flaws are not things that we are in the position to judge. I am a sinner and therefore I am just as flawed as everyone else on this earth. That commonality among all people levels the playing field so to speak, and requires that we show the love of God to ALL people, not just the ones we want to.

Life is so fragile and so precious, a constant reminder of God's greatness in its complexity, and it should be cherished.

Please remember that as you walk through your days...the Lord loves you more than you will ever know!!! (a reminder for you as well as myself...)

Dreams...

Today I was reading another blog written by my pastor and he was writing out a list of his 100 life goals and it got me thinking. Are there things that I want to do in life, or am I content to move along and go where ever the Lord might lead me?
I know that there are some things that I have always dreamt of doing, at the same time I am scared to hold on too tightly to dreams for fear that the Lord will come along and tell me that I have to find new ones. Of course that seems a bit paranoid and petty, but I do know that I want my life to be an alter to the God I serve, not to myself. Life is such an adventure and I would love to have dreams that are from Him, not from my selfish desires. There have been so many times when things seem to be one way when in actuality they are quite the opposite. My desire is to have a life that is full of meaningful dreams that are of the Lord and that serve to glorify Him.
So after all that, I guess I'll write down some of the wishes that have stayed with me for quite some time...(quite a few are probably very status quo, but I want to write them anyway!)
Here we go: (In no particular order)

1.Find the man that God has for me
2.Fall in love with said man
3.Marry said man
4.Go to an amazing grad school and get my masters in geography
5.Graduate from grad school
6.Find a job I love
7.Serve the Lord through that job
8.Have a family
9.Raise my children to love the Lord
10.Make an impact for Christ
11.See the beaches of Normandy
12.Go through the entire Louvre
13.Go to Rome, Venice, Tuscany, and Florence
14.Raise puppies who have been abandoned
15.Continue to expand my music collection
16.Teach someone something valuable
17.Read all the past Nobel Prize winners
18.See all the movies that have ever won Best Picture
19.Read the entire Bible once a year
20.Stay in touch with my friends once I leave school
21.Become an expert on something
22.Learn how to ski/snowboard
23.Go scuba diving
24.Read all of C.S. Lewis's books
25.Spend time in Africa
26.Take a trip to Asia
27.Go to the Oscars once
28.Have the kind of relationship with my kids that I have with my mom
29.Write a history book
30.Figure out where I come from (genealogically speaking)
31.Treat my body well
32.Serve the Lord in EVERY aspect of my life

I think that's all for now...If more come up I will most certainly let you know :)

God is GOOD!!!

Ok, so I am completely in awe at how amazing God is when you put things in His hands and trust that He will provide. This week I have been working as a part of a missions team to raise money for a school in Darfur and tonight we had an amazing night. Things are coming together in some incredible ways and I feel SO blessed to be a part of this team. I will be the first to admit that at first I was somewhat skeptical, but as time as moved forward, I am seeing more and more what an amazing God I serve. Wow...I think that right now I am so excited about all the things that are going on that words are escaping me...YAY!!!!!!!!! There...that was the best I could come up with! I hope that this is not completely boring and pointless, but I feel that there are some things the world should know...I suppose that as time goes on and I write more of these things, they won't be son scatter brained and out there, but for now this is all I've got. Honestly I wish that I had more interesting things to say, but i guess that my life is really just that boring. Although, the past few days have been pretty darn exciting...I can't believe things are really coming together, just more evidence of how fallible I am and how incredibly mighty God is despite my misgivings. He will never be put in a box, and I will continue to see His awesome power and strength as I lean on Him more and more!

And so it begins...

So...where do I begin??? I guess I wanted to start this blog in the hope that I might be able to share with the world the inner workings of my mind. While this may seem to be a rather frivolous reason to start a blog, I find it fascinating so there you go. The fact is, life is so full of amazing stories and events that it would be an absolute shame to let those things pass us by without taking the time to notice them and share them with the people we share this planet with. The Lord has blessed me with such a full and beautiful life, and I want to make sure that He is glorified in everything I do. That means stopping to really see things and not just glance at them in passing and proceed to file them away in the depths of thought and forever forget the beauty or sadness or greatness that I have been privy to. So that is why this blog is in existence...if by some miracle I think of something more specific to include I will be sharing it but until then, this will just be random thoughts of someone who is journeying to find herself in the midst of an ever changing world, but who takes great hope in the fact that she is never alone, she has her Savior to guide her!